I wrote this column for the weekend Tribune edition ... thought you might enjoy it.

Check out my column, "Playing Her Music" at [link].

So go out and buy yourself some big black frames, with the glasses so dark, they won’t even know your name.
~ ZZ Top, “Cheap Sunglasses”

There’s this book called “Twilight” - maybe you’ve heard about it.

“New Moon”, the sequel to the first “Twilight” movie (based on the insanely popular book series) opened today around midnight.

Mind, I’ve never read any of the “Twilight” books or even seen the movies, but from what I can gather, “Twilight” is about a vampire - Edward Cullen - who (are you ready for this?) sparkles.

Okay, I’ve heard some good ones: Vampires who can turn into bats, vampires who catch z’s in coffins … but never vampires who sparkle. Not a great way to keep on the down-low that you’re an immortal being, in my humble opinion.

However, other vampires (disguised as our favorite celebrities) have found less conspicuous ways than our old buddy, Ed, to disguise the fact that they’re bloodsucking monsters.

Here are a few celebs who I genuinely believe are vampires … or, if not vampires, definitely something more than human.

Bono: Behind the dark shades of U2’s leading man lurks a vampire … but a friendly vampire. I mean, com’on, could you seriously see this rock star turned humanitarian actually hurting anyone? If Bono is a vampire, he’s the Mister Rogers of the vampire world - minus the cardigan and with better pipes.

Richard Simmons: Sure, this scrawny work-out bastion, who sports the best white-man fro since Bob Ross, might look harmless. But, I’m telling you, he hangs out with all those chubby “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” extras for a reason.

Kate Gosselin: Hey, she might not suck blood, but this formidable mother of eight managed to siphon all the happiness and will to live from her henpecked hubby, Jon, in their ill-starred reality television show “Jon & Kate Plus 8.”

Mariah Carey: Okay, this diva ain’t no vampire, but she sure can “Glitter”. Take that, all you sparkle-vamps.

Keith Richards: Permanently preserved by habitual drug-use, the Stones’ axe-welding Richards has been embalmed by means to make the ancient Egyptians envious. Is Richards a vampire? Probably not. Will he ever die? No.

Rachael Ray: This Food Network fox is too round and rosy to need a blood transfusion and has handled way too many cloves of garlic to be a vampire, but she's cooler than a whole coven of Cullens.

ZZ Top: Too hairy to be vampires, too cuddly to be werewolves, I’d say The Three Kings lean more on the yeti side … except for Frank Beard (ironic name for the clean-shaven Top drummer).

Sarah Palin: Embraced by conservatives, feared by liberals, the former Alaska governor isn’t a vampire, but I’d still opt for dressing up as “Miss Wasilla” instead of Dracula for Halloween.

You were expecting Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, I presume, to make the list? Okay, those guys play sexy vampire roles on-screen. But as actual vampires … they’d be too obvious. Vampires need to keep it on the down-low.

For example, if I were a vampire, I’d lead a double life, masquerading as a mild-mannered small-town newspaper reporter by day only to scourge the land by night as an immortal monstrosity preying upon humanity … Hmmm. Sounds kinda familiar.

Keep reading and keep rocking.